Co-anchor/Cub Reporter MS
Co-anchor/Cub Reporter LF
A pleasure newly acquired for me during this epic Coronaquarantine moment is a morning blast of urgent news — not from the NY Times — no no no. From fellow “Cub Reporters in Captivity” — 80-something LF and 70-something MS. My just-turned-70-year-old self MJ hits the sack first, so I get to wake up to a wave of urgent banter in my inbox — and a rundown of the politics I missed while snoozing. There's been no shortage of ageist crap with Corona — and we're all over that. Our back and forth is a daily reminder that actual fierce motherfuckers and Glorious Broads such as ourselves bear little resemblance to the elderly, out of touch victims constantly referred to in media these days. A cure for any Coronablues; a sample of our totally subjective, not so linear, stream of consciousness, jailhouse banter, radical newsletter. Our Day 1 was 13 days from actual start — but hey — it’s coronotime — who’s counting!? This blur of activity continues to brightens my mornings — but I had to put a cap on it to share. WELCOME READERS!
DAY 1
LF: Saw this yesterday, beyond shocked. Don’t forget that fucking asshole has millions of listeners. From the horse’s assmouth:
“I would rather have my children stay home and have all of us who are over 50 go in and keep this economy going and working, Even if we all get sick, I’d rather die than kill the country.” — Glenn Beck
MS: He goes first
MS: WHY WE LOVE NYC: 40,000 healthcare professionals who weren't working signed up to help: Docs, plastic surgeons, dermatologists, etc. Wow!
And then there’s Cuomo in NY Post:
LF: What a fucking rag is that paper. Looking for ass wipe? Look no further.
DAY 2
LF: My kind neighbor did shopping today, bought me a chunk of gruyere which I devoured as if I’d just been liberated from Auschwitz.
MS: Wait! I go for a long walk every day. I will bring you pasta from Morso tomorrow.
LF: One heaping bowl of spaghetti with marinara!? Sick of this healthy food in my frig. I’m gonna stay awake dreaming about it …
DAY 3
LF: My friend Hector on his morning grocery hunt.
MJ: So Prince!
MS: Totally.
LF: Let's all meet up “when it’s over” — our new refrain. Encountered Hector 5 months ago at Met gift shop, he can discuss everything from Plato to NATO. And a voice from heaven. One night he belts out La Vie en Rose on a mini staircase on Seventh Ave — woulda brought Piaf to her knees.
MS: Get him on Glorious Broads, MJ!
DAY 4
MS: Best ever. But there are better canned tomatoes with less salt.
LF: Like I’m gonna really cook. But appreciate the info.
MS: In another life, I made this regularly and so good.
MJ: Funny how the lives pile up.
DAY 5
MS: Watch “Unorthodox” on Netflix. True story.
LF: Loved loved. Read the book and met author at a conference. So tough for these kids to leave the Chassidic fold, almost impossible.
MS: Then see “Bernie.” Another fab true story. Bernie in my top 5. “Top Five” in my top three.
MJ: I need a top 5 list from you two!
MS: “Capernaum.” #1. “Lady Sings the Blues.” #2. “Bernie.” #3. “Moulin Rouge.” #4. “Top Five.” #5.
LF: My absolute must: “CripCamp”, produced by the Obamas. Your soul will sing. This is the world we want to create “when this is over.”
DAY 6
LF: Had a really bad night. All the demons caught up to me. Anxiety on steroids. Today, feeling fine. Ready to move (to another planet, maybe?)
MS: Watch Top Five with Chris Rock. That’ll laugh it away.
LF: Saw Chris Rock. Remember his formula for a good marriage? Fuck and Travel!
MJ: Formula spot on. Living full time with another human being’s a bitch.
LF: Only way I could live with a male human being is if he lived in Bora Bora and I live in Manhattan. Might work ... if I try hard.
MS: My guy is so easy. Good thing. There's a reason he is my third husband — it's my way or the highway!!
LF: When I commit my first murder, I’m hiring your lawyer husband as my defense attorney. Get me sentenced to Otisville where all the hot shot Yids go. Great Kosher kitchen!
DAY 7
LF: Start cutting up those old t-shirts, girls, to make masks. A little old quarantine — no excuse to let your beauty regimen decline.
MS: Bet Gucci, Fendi, LV will soon have $1000 versions available on line.
LF: Stick to the old t-shirts! Locked in their homes, everyone sees how unnecessary and unfulfilling that lux shit is. At least that’s what’s happening to me — so why not project.
MJ: Why buy lux now? To go from room to room? All gonna tank, me thinks.
MS: Totally.
LF: Right on.
MS: What I see.
LF: What’s that red on the Empire State Building? Trump is trying to wipe the blood off his hands?
‘Our President gave us so much hope’: MyPillow CEO goes off script at coronavirus briefing
LF: Can’t make this up!
MJ: Just watched news conference. Stomach churning as he keeps bringing “credit” to himself. Kill me.
MS: Can’t make this shit up. HaHaHa
MS: Long Island City. Never saw so many apt lights on. Early AM.
LF: Beautiful but slightly bizarre. In my part of town, very few lights. All have fled to Hamptons or other watering holes. 57th Street, Billionaires’ Row, in total darkness.
MS: Wowser.
LF: Do you miss not sitting this out in Hamptons?
MS: No. Boring. I don’t like it there unless summer. Cold. Dark at night. Plus, so many assholes out there now.
LF: Such entitled fuckers. When they die they’re going to be eaten by only the very best of worms.
DAY 8
LF: Questions to ponder today - whatever happened to...
(1) John Bolton’s memoirs that were supposed to shock us senseless with their revelations??
(2) Omarosa Manigault? Omarosa who?
MJ: Ghosts …
DAY 9
MS: More dilemmas: “Not all coronavirus exposures are alike”
LF: So much information out there — experts don’t know for sure, how should we? Screw the pandemic. It’s the infodemic that’s going to kill us.
MJ: My head is exploding. Ommmmmmm.
MS: Tru dat.
LF: Everyone’s turning thongs into masks. Are we becoming a nation of secret panty sniffers!?
MJ: Best thread ever.
LF: Didn’t know I was a dirty old lady?
LF: “Opinion: Putting Jared Kushner in charge is utter madness”
This motherfucker is gonna kill us with arrogance, ignorance and omnipotence. A toxic combo.
DAY 10
LF: “The CDC is encouraging Americans to wear face coverings in public. Trump said he won’t wear one.”
Can’t make this shit up.
MS: Whaaaaaat the F!
LF: The black mask he's wearing would fit conveniently between his legs — one hole for his ass, one for his dick. Remember, this is a man who talks through his ass, thinks through his dick and eats with his hands.”
MJ: OMG. I don’t want this jerk to die from the big C. Then he’ll be hero worshipped.
MS: I do. Maybe send him some reusable toilet paper. (winkwink)
DAY 12
LF: I live alone and I think stuff like this.
LF: Exactly the way I talk to myself. “Do I have pasta for lunch today?” “No fucking way!”
DAY 13
LF: In your Easter mask — so, Mr. Berlin, a new song please …
MJ: I don’t go on FB much — saw why today. Everybody’s freaking out together. So bad for collective psyche.
MJ: Nooooo!
LF: Never went on FB. Addictive and destructive. A propos the above — don’t bring tigers into your apt. This week. Wait ‘til the crisis ends.
MS: Good advice on both.
LF: Listen kiddies. If it gets to be too much, we all meet, hold hands, get on the subway and start licking the poles like lollypops. No more worries.
MS: Won’t work. Disinfecting with Clorox and spray daily — and no one on train.
LF: A sure death: Blow Donald Trump. He IS the virus.
MS: The thought kills me.
DAY 14
LF: “The voices behind Trump;s push to treat COVID-19 with unproven anti-malaria Drug”
Wisdom from the World’s Great Epidemiologists — Rudy Giuliani and Sean Hannity!
MS: “Coronavirus genomes show NY’s COVID-19 outbreak came from Europe months ago”
LF: The latest hate list. Donald will now call it the Venetian Virus. Formerly the Wuhan Virus. VW. It’s a Volkswagon Virus started by hidden Nazis! (See, that’s the way conspiracists see things). Remember, I said it first.
MJ: Pig of the Day! We still got the elderly on our hate list! “Bill O’Reilly plays down coronavirus deaths in chat with Sean Hannity: They were ‘on their last legs’ anway’
LF: I’m speechless! Doesn’t happen often.
MJ: Oh Christ. I wasn’t for Bernie initially but was sad somehow as our world is turned upside down. Hurry up Joe and pick a fierce woman.
LF: I’m nuts about all the broads: Warren, Abrams, Harris …
MS: OPRAH!
MJ: Let's go ahead and start a radical newsletter weekly.
LF: Find us some followers. And we’ll will mouth off on anything
MS: Just give us marching orders, wind us up and we talk!